why don't you sleep at night?

"When are you gonna stop worrying about what people say? When I look into my suggestion box it is full! Ha! People have a lot to say about the way I live my life. But there is only ONE comment card that I pay attention to and you know what that card says? "Great job!" And "Keep it up!" And you know who filled out that card? Me! And do you know how I know? Because I recognize my mother freaking handwriting!" (Goosebumps walk away).  -Winston Bishop, from New Girl

i know nothing about love and less about life. It’s confusing, illogical, and painstakingly heart wrenching. Love and life. 

Romans 7:14-25

New International Version

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual,sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[b] a slave to the law of sin.

willy could fly

not everything real is true. not every dream is false.

"To do a great right, do a little wrong, and curb this cruel devil of his will." -William Shakespeare

taking things lightly, is difficult. but i do believe we shouldn't take life too seriously, for none of us get out of it alive anyways.

The pastor recently asked us if we are prepared to stand for righteousness? He said real wisdom comes from God and fake wisdom from men. None of us are wise or even smart without God. We want our wisdom to come from the divine revelation of God and not our own understanding and philosophy. This makes a lot of sense to me because I am an academic and in graduate school and constantly studying and trying to obtain knowledge. I spend time reading research articles and dissecting news articles to determine what i believe to be the truth. But this really hit me hard because it shows that no matter how hard i try and how smart i am and how much knowledge i take in, my own understanding and wisdom is nothing in comparison to that of God, the creator of the universe. There's nothing wrong with being educated and wise, but the worlds wisdom does not mean anything to God. This solidified my decision to not pursue my doctorate degree because i just had a feeling inside of me that i should get it because i can; because i am smart enough to get it, but God has been telling me lately through scripture and church and other people that I don't need to prove my smarts to anyone. God can use me to serve others and make a positive impact in the world whether I have a doctorate degree or not. God can use you if you are available and submitted to Him. you don't have to be super wise or strong or famous, just available and submitted. This wisdom from God is often different from man's expectations. I had previously been thinking that this quarantine and unprecedented and unpredictable time in the world was a chance for me to focus within and do some "self-help," but i recently learned that "Self-help" isn't really a thing; God saves, Jesus saves, man cannot save each other or ourselves, only God can do that. I don't have to achieve anything, I don't have to be the smartest person. I just have to rely on God. I am righteous because He is righteous. He is my wisdom. God is my wisdom. Am I trusting in the Lord for my righteousness? 

You can't be who you're going to be and who you used to be at the same time.

as humans i find that we often rationalize what happens to fit our own belief system.

Proverbs 12:15 ESV 

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 10:23 ESV

Doing wrong is like a joke to a fool, but wisdom is pleasure to a man of understanding.

Colossians 3:16 ESV

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

Proverbs 18:15 ESV

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.

Proverbs 2:6 ESV

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;

Psalm 111:10 ESV

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!

Proverbs 17:27-28 ESV

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

angry at the unsolved.

trump. pandemic. corona virus. education. masks. biden. black lives matter. blue lives matter. defund the police. pro life. pro choice. there are so many things right now that are meant to separate. to divide and conquer. the world is rampant with evil. it doesn't end. evil takes no days off. and it is important to get fired up about some injustice and spend your life fighting to make it right, but not so much that it negatively impacts your quality of life. God wants us to love God and love people. All people. Not some people. not only nice people, not only white people, but ALL people. it is that simple. we should focus more on raising people up than tearing them down. the more we spew hate, the more hate grows. if we plant love, we will grow more love. let's work hard to cast out evil and do the right thing. let's show more love and less hate. more understanding and less judgment. more compassion. more empathy. let's give more. more time, more money, more listening ears. 

"Leadership isn't always what you know, but how you make others feel."

• Ephesians 4:2;
• Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
• 
  
• 1 Peter 4: 8;
• Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
• 
  
• Romans 12:9;
• Love must be sincere.

I think you should vote. It is your right. America is a democracy and it has worked okay for a while now, regrettably it does work best for white males, but it is the world we live in. So absolutely vote! But just be careful when you talk; once spoken, words can only be forgiven and not forgotten.

Mark 12:31 ESV 

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.

Romans 15:2-3 ESV

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.”

pandemic, shmandemic.

 this pandemic is agonizing. i want to forget it. 

it's so hard. it is devastating. confusing. chaotic. hurtful. isolating. lonely. uncertain. challenging. we weren't prepared for this. even the most prepared of us all could not have calculated how drastically our lives would be thrown into immediate and ongoing turmoil. the best prepared were those of us who are able to embrace the quiet. those of us who are able to sit with ourselves, in our boredom. ah the gift of boredom and how we have forgotten what a gift it is. in our rushed and hurried society, boredom is kind of a thing of the past. 

i'm so tired. i'm tired of rushing and hurrying, only to be dissatisfied and feeling let down because i still didn't do enough. but i am enough. God says he will give me rest.

Matthew 11:28-30 ESV 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

John 8:12 

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

new beginnings, again

"Why sometimes I've believed many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice's Adventures Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

I'm going to try this again. I decided that embracing the darkness so much was not promoting the goodness that I truly want to leave behind. I spent a lot of time trying to change and grow, but also embracing the bad parts of me because you can't have light without dark, but in the end, it was a promotion and idolization of all that is evil. there was no balance. no happy medium. thankfully, we are always allowed to change. at any point in our life, we get to say, this is not the story that i want to tell. 

The story that i want to tell is one that can be present in the light. I want to be able to say this is who i am. a work in progress? Yes. Explosive? Never intentionally. 

Here's to being in the light.